Saturday, November 10, 2012
I suppose if I really hustled around, I could find someone to wrestle today, but this past week has been a real drag in terms of the domestic situation. I won't go into all that. That's not why you check in. But, again, it's been no fun, and I find myself on a fall Saturday spending time with family and just generally trying to stay calm.
I am prone to bouts of introspection. Now, I'm no genius. Not even that smart. But I can see that my fascination with wrestling has colored my life from start to finish. And, to cut to the chase, I think in a good way. It's been primarily positive.
I'm one of those guys who has fantasized about wrestling all my life. In middle school, I remember lying on the couch in the family room and building these elaborate fantasies in my head about wrestling snakemen (how's that for Freudian?) and muscled neighbor boys. In high school, I wanted to see my friends in just a pair of jeans, and often after one beer too many, I would launch myself onto one of them and roll in the grass. In my twenties, I actively tried to meet gay guys who wanted to wrestle. But I was a complete failure.
All the guys I met were so feminine. They hated sports, of any kind. And, when I tried to get them to wrestle, they would be so passive and just give up. Or they would try and psycho-analyze me to figure out why I was fixated on wrestling--as opposed to just gay sex.
In some ways, that was the problem. When I had "straight" gay sex (is that even the correct term?), I was dis-satisfied with the experience. Even today, on the rare occasion when I meet a guy and just have sex with him, I don't really like it. I find myself trying to imagine wrestling him, or someone else. Even if the guy is built, I am off somewhere else in my head, wrestling him.
Maybe that's why I find it so dis-satisfying. I have to fantasize during sex to get off. Well, I don't want to fantasize. I want to LIVE it. And, thankfully that is what I've been doing a lot lately.
That's also what I mean when I say that I think wrestling is a positive for me. It allows me to actually participate in the sexual act. To be completely and totally present. That's an important point, I think. What is the point of having sex with someone if you aren't really even in the room with them? It's unfair to them, and it's slightly dishonest.
Yeah, I know, if every man who was not fully present with their sex partner were to leave, hardly anyone would have sex. Most married guys would be gone in a second. Probably most married women too. But, for me, I need that connection. I crave it. And when I find it, I feel good about myself. Not only because I have actually experienced sex like it should be experienced (for me) but because I have been fully, and totally engaged with another person.
And that, I think, is a rare gift.
So, I wrestle.
On another note, I saw Fun. (yeah, the period is not a typo, the band's name ends in a period) on Saturday Night Live the other night, and I was really taken with the guitarist, Jack Atonoff. Here's a pic of him:
Is he gay?
No, I don't think he is. I think he's dating Lena Dunham, the girl who created and stars in HBO's Girls, but I don't care. Jack and I need to square off.
How about you guys? Are you gonna just sit there, or are you gonna take a walk on the wild side? C'mon, let's WRESTLE!!!